Sibling Rivalry

Brothers and sisters fight. Part of the reason for the disputes is different personalities and ages. The other part is that siblings see themselves as rivals, competing for an equal share of limited family resources (like the bathroom, telephone, or last piece of cake) and parental attention.

Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up, but it can drive parents crazy. The key to minimizing disputes at home is to know when to let your kids work out their problems themselves, and when to step in and stop the fighting.

The Cause of Sibling Conflicts

Kids aren't always the most rational of human beings -- especially younger children. For this reason, sometimes the smallest issues can turn into major battles and strain sibling relationships to the breaking point.

Here are a few reasons why siblings fight:

Attention. Children are always vying for their parents' attention. The busier parents are, and the more demands there are on their attention, the less they can focus on each child. One of the biggest parental attention drains is a baby. When all of the attention suddenly turns to the family's newest arrival, it can be hard for the other child (or children) to accept losing his or her previous position as the center of attention. Sometimes the parents' attention is focused on a child who is sick or has special needs (for example, because of a learning disability). Whatever the reason, when kids feel as though they're being ignored, they may act out and misbehave to get the attention they want.

Sharing. Most homes don't have unlimited resources. That means all siblings will inevitably have to share at least some of their possessions. Giving up a toy or other favorite possession to a sibling can be especially hard on young children.

Unique personalities. Your oldest child might be the headstrong one, while the youngest is quieter and more introverted. Differences in temperament can lead to clashes. Age and gender differences also can lead to sibling fighting.

Fairness issues. Children are like little lawyers, always demanding fairness and equality, and fighting for what they perceive are their natural-born rights. A younger sibling might complain that her older sister gets to go to a concert and she has to stay at home, while the older sister whines that she has to babysit for her little sister instead of going out with her friends. Feelings of unfair treatment and sibling jealousy can lead to resentment.

How to Handle Sibling Rivalry

What should you do when your kids fight? Even if the screaming is driving you nuts, as long as none of your children is in danger of getting hurt, don't get in the middle of the argument. Try to let your kids resolve their own issues. Stepping in won't teach your kids how to handle conflict, and it could make it seem as though you're favoring one child over another (especially if you're always punishing the same child).

Some disagreements are easier than others for kids to end. When sibling fighting escalates to the point where you can no longer stay out of it, here are some tips for resolving the conflict:

Separate. Take your kids out of the ring and let them cool down in their own corners (their rooms). Sometimes all kids need is a little space and time away from each other.

Teach negotiation and compromise. Show your kids how to resolve disputes in a way that satisfies both siblings involved. First, ask them to stop yelling and start communicating. Give each child a chance to voice his or her side of the story. Listen, but don't be judgmental. Try to clarify the problem ("It sounds like you're really upset with David for taking your favorite video game"), and ask your kids to find a solution that works for everyone involved. If they can't come up with any ideas for resolving the issue, you introduce a solution. For example, if the kids are fighting over a new game, write up a schedule that gives each child a set amount of time to play with the game.

Enforce rules. Make sure all of your kids abide by the same rules, which should include no hitting, name-calling, or damaging each other's property. Let your kids have a say in how the rules are established and enforced. For example, they may decide that the punishment for hitting is losing their TV privileges for one night. Letting your kids play a role in the decision-making process will make them feel like they have at least a little bit of control over their own lives. When your kids follow the rules, praise them for it.

Don't play favorites. Even if one of your kids is constantly getting into trouble and the other is an angel, don't take sides or compare your kids (for example, by saying "Why can't you be more like your sister?"). It will only make your kids resent each other more. Giving one child preferential treatment can also hurt the relationships between you and your children.

Don't make everything equal. There is no such thing as perfect equality in a family. An older child will inevitably be allowed to do some things her younger siblings can't. Instead of trying to make your kids equals, treat each child as a unique and special individual.

Give kids the rights to their own possessions. Sharing is important, but children shouldn't be forced to share everything. All of your children should have something special that is completely their own.

Hold family meetings. Get together with the entire family once a week to hash out any issues. Give every family member a chance to air his or her grievances, and come up with solutions together.

Give each child separate attention. It can be hard to spend time alone with each child, especially when you have a large family, but one of the reasons why siblings resent each other is that they feel they aren't getting enough of your attention. To let your kids know that you value every one of them, make one-on-one time for each child. Carve out special days where you take your daughter shopping or your son to the movies -- just the two of you. Even 10 to 15 minutes of your attention each day can make your child feel special.

When Sibling Fighting Gets Out of Control

It's completely normal for siblings to fight from time to time. But when fighting escalates to the point where one child is becoming emotionally or physically victimized, it needs to stop. Repeated hitting, biting, or "torturing" behaviors (for example, incessant tickling, teasing, or belittling) are forms of sibling abuse, and justification for you to step in. If you can't stop the violence yourself, talk to your child's pediatrician or a mental health provider to get immediate help.

Correcting Toddler Behavior - Biting, Hitting, & Throwing

by Danielle Haines
Published July 28, 2008

Shocking as it may be, aggressive behaviors, such as biting, hitting, and throwing things are a normal part of your toddler's development. It is a part of a child learning self-control. Usually, toddlers phase out of bad behaviors by age four.

Still-emerging language skills, a fierce desire to become independent, and undeveloped impulse control make children this age prime candidates for getting physical. That doesn't mean you should ignore it, of course. Let your toddler know that aggressive behavior is unacceptable and show him other ways to express his feelings.

Biting

While it is crucial to accept the premise that biting is an age-appropriate behavior for toddlers, it is just as important to accept that biting is not an acceptable behavior. Adults must help toddlers control their urge to bite other children by responding quickly and firmly.

First, the biting child should be stopped with a firm “no!”. At the same time that the adult speaks, the adult should act. Ideally, one adult steps in to help the victim while another stops the biting child. Where this is not possible, the biting child should usually be dealt with first. Discipline for toddlers is most effective when it occurs immediately after the unacceptable action.

The biting child should be removed from the situation in the form of redirection of attention or time-out. Preventing biting before it happens is better than dealing with it after it occurs. Consequently, adults should carefully observe the moods and needs of toddlers. When a child is exhibiting low tolerance for frustration, or when a child has a history of biting, or when a child is teething, adults must pay especially close attention to the potential-biting child.

Hitting

Toddlers are fascinated with what they can make happen over and over and they are also curious about how people react in different situations. Hitting people satisfies both of these interests. Furthermore, toddlers see the world only from their own point of view and therefore don’t understand that other people have different ideas and feelings than they do. Don't be afraid to let your child know you are angry.

Use it as a teaching moment. You are not trying to frighten or browbeat the child into submission. You are trying to express anger constructively, so your child will know how it's managed.

1. Stop the physical aggression immediately. If your child has hit you, don't let him/her hit you repeatedly. Grip their wrist firmly, and say with equal firmness, "No hitting. You do not hit me. You can be angry, but you may not hit."

2. Expect compliance. Do not let go of the wrist until you can feel the tension leave the child. If you misjudge, and they swing at you again when you let go, repeat the step above, and hold longer. Wait for him/her to relax. Repeat your words. Keep this up for as long as it takes. Be gentle, be firm, but be unyielding.

3. When they begin to relax, praise/encourage them.

4. When the child is no longer coiled to strike, praise them again. Give, and receive, a hug with the child. This is not letting them away with it. They need to know it's all right to be angry, that they can be angry, they can express it in other ways, and that they're still loved, even if they experience anger.

5. Quickly move on to the next thing. Remember, that just as your child has the right to expect you to treat them respectfully, you have the right to be treated respectfully by your child. If this is your consistent response, you will greatly reduce or even entirely eliminate hitting in a matter of weeks.

When Your Toddler Says “No”

Saying the word no is a necessary part of being a toddler. Kids this age are driven by the need to make their own decisions, to be autonomous, and to control their world, and the way they express these needs is through the word no.

If you're the parent of a toddler, you'll hear it morning, noon, and night. Don't try to talk your little one out of it, and don't forbid it. “No” is not optional. Kids this age can be worked with, however. If you encourage their feelings of autonomy and power, you'll lessen the number of “no's” in your family. Here are a few suggestions:

• Give your child choices so she feels a sense of control over her world. “Apple juice or carrot juice?” “Would you like me to help you into your stroller, or do you want to do it yourself?”
• Encourage independence by letting them do things for themselves, and setting up their environment so they can. This may mean putting toys in bins, keeping cups for water on low shelves, putting stools near sinks, and generally making your home more child-friendly. Enroll your child as your assistant. Let your child be a participant in family work and she'll feel needed and powerful in her ability to help.
• Don't expect your child to always be nice, and don't take her “no” personally. Your child is not defiant, angry, or negative-she's a toddler saying “no.“

When Your Toddler Throws Things

Toddlers are delighted by cause-and-effect relationships. By dropping and throwing objects, your budding scientist is discovering gravity just as Sir Isaac Newton did some 300 years ago. Spoons clatter, cups crash, but Cheerios make almost no sound at all. Each of these revelations is magical to your little one. Part of his delight comes from being able to relive the discovery over and over. Here's what to keep in mind so you survive this stage:

He's not acting out. Your pitcher-in-training's predilection for tossing is not an act of defiance or aggression. Sometimes it's your preverbal toddler's only means of communication. An empty sippy cup thrown on the floor could mean he's still thirsty and wants more. Become attuned to what's being thrown and you might learn to better understand his needs.

You can set limits. Tell him what may and may not be thrown (balls good, food bad), and where throwing is okay, preferably outdoors and not from his high chair. Gently say "No throwing," and shake your head firmly with a serious look on your face. If he persists, tell him: "If you want to throw, I'll take you out of the high chair and we'll go in the backyard and play catch." Then follow through. As long as you're calm and consistent, he will learn.

All toddlers will exhibit all of these inappropriate behaviors, so do not feel like you are alone. Your toddler is beginning to express himself, show independence, and experiment with limits. Your job is to redirect the behavior, and show him that these bad behaviors are not appropriate and will not be tolerated. With time, patience, and by following through your toddler will eventually outgrow this phase.

The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever

I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing. Too often these people are elderly great-aunts. Fortunately those ladies are afraid of the Internet, so I can rail against them and they'll be none the wiser! Thanks, ladies.

1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.

2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?

Read more from Alice Bradley on << The Motherboard Blog >>
3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.

4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."

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5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh! (See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)

6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.

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7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"

8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath. I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

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9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.

10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.

Things Every Parent Needs to Hear from a Teen's Point of View

Hello, my name is Anna, and I'm a teen. Every week I see posts on here about parenting, and how to "deal" with teens. The problem is that these posts are all written by adults. I'm not saying that they don't know what they're talking about -- most of the time they do -- but I thought it would be nice and beneficial to parents to hear the flat-out truth from a teenager.

Number 1: Don't assume. I'm a teen, yes, but that does NOT mean that I'm doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and/or having sex like crazy! I'm not doing any of those. Not every teen is like me, I know that for sure, but there are plenty that are like me, and that have no interest in any of those things I mentioned above! If you think that there is a problem, or that we're endangering ourselves, just ask! Not every teen is going to tell you the truth, but they will be more likely to talk to you about things if they know that you trust them.

Also, when you assume that we're doing drugs, drinking, or having sex when we really aren't, it makes us feel like you see us the same way that you see that druggie who's 30 and still lives with his/her parents down the street, or the prostitutes we see on streets or on TV. We really don't like feeling degraded like that. Also, please don't snoop through our stuff. Again, it feels like you don't trust us.


Number 2: Don't over-shelter. My parents have always tried to hide everything "bad" from me. I am an only child, and I think we are more prone to this over-protectiveness. You can't hide everything, and when we find out, we feel mad or upset -- like you've kept your hands covering our eyes our entire life.

A few years ago I discovered Marilyn Manson through a friend. I was shocked when I realized I was one of the only kids I knew who hadn't heard of him. I think that through his music, I have finally seen everything that my parents never wanted me to know. If I had gone into high school without knowing all the things I learned through listening to Marilyn Manson and talking to this friend of mine, I don't even want to know what would have happened.

Essentially, I think I would have pretty much been a little puny kid who got teased because I was only book-smart and nothing else. You might think you're helping us, but in the long run, it could hurt us more than you think. I'm not saying you should have your kids listening to Marilyn Manson, or telling them curse words when they're 5. Just don't wait until they find out on their own.

Number 3: Don't ask us why. And why shouldn't you ask us why we did something? Because half the time we don't really know. I honestly don't know why we don't know. Hormones, maybe? I don't know. It's just hard to explain something to someone when you can't even begin to explain it to yourself. Oh- and PLEASE don't ask "What were you thinking?!". Again, over half the time, we don't know.
 

Number 4: Please, don't force us. I feel bad for kids whose parents make them do certain things from the time they are born. This is the case for one of my best friends. She and her two siblings have been playing piano since they were extremely young. Now each of them plays over 3 different instruments.

There's nothing wrong with teaching your child how to do different things, but when they're old enough (10+ or so) it should be up to them. My friend plays 4 instruments, and she doesn't really enjoy them. She's amazing at them, yes, but to her, it's a chore to play. Please don't do this to your kids. If you want them to be happy, let them make their own decisions.


Number 5: Don't ask "general" questions. General questions are like "How was your day?". You ask a general question, you'll get a general answer (e.g. "Fine") and we'll feel like general kids. That's not fun for you or for us. Instead, spice it up, and be specific. "How did you do presenting your project to the class?" I understand it can be hard to be involved- but try just a little harder. It could make a huge difference.

Number 6: Don't feel bad if we aren't opening up to you. Sometimes, we just don't want to talk. If you can follow the 5 things listed above, you can trust that we'll talk to you when we're ready to. Be patient with us. We'll talk when we're ready to, and when we do, be ready to listen.

Thanks for reading this. I hope you found it informative and helpful.

Picky Eater Tips

Parents often want to know how to raise a “healthy” eater, usually referring to what foods their children are eating. I prefer the term “successful” eater because I believe it captures a broader perspective including not only what, but also how, children eat. Because the term “successful eater” is not commonly used, I will describe what I mean.

What does a “successful eater” look like? A successful eater is someone who likes eating and feels good about it. A successful eater is interested in food and likes a variety of foods. A successful eater enjoys being at the table and has fairly decent table manners – most of the time, at least. A successful eater knows when they are full or hungry based upon their own internal cues. A successful eater will try some new foods and will politely refuse foods that he or she doesn’t want to eat. A successful eater can make do with less than favorite foods and can eat in places other than home.

It’s important to raise successful eaters for a number of reasons. First, variety in diet is important for children’s (and adults’) health and nutrition. Second, learning to recognize internal cues of hunger and fullness is important in maintaining healthy weight. And finally, learning how to tolerate less than favorite foods and learning appropriate behaviors related to food are important in the development of positive social skills.

You may be asking yourself, how do I get one of these successful eaters? What can I do to raise one? Here are some tips:

1. Have family meals. If you can only do one thing, I would argue that this is the most important. Research has shown that children who eat meals regularly with their families develop better eating habits, do better at school, and are also at lower risk for obesity, substance abuse, and disordered eating.

2. Serve meals family style. Allow your children to serve themselves from all the food you put out on the family table.

3. Always include one or two foods with meals that you know your child usually likes. Avoid catering to your children and only preparing foods that they request, but always make sure that there’s something, even if it’s just bread, on the table that they will eat.

4. Don’t introduce too many new foods at once. Try to pair new, unfamiliar foods with familiar foods.

5. Maintain a positive social and emotional environment at the table. If your child’s eating is an issue, don’t make it the focus of mealtime conversation.

6. Understand the typical development of eating and progression of food acceptance. Know that it is normal for toddlers and preschoolers to be somewhat finicky, to take many times to learn to like a new food, and to vary from day to day in how much they eat and what they eat.

7. Be a good eating role model yourself. Look at your own eating behaviors and diet and examine any unintended messages your behaviors may be sending to your child. What you do matters more than what you say!

8. Understand the division of responsibility in feeding. Familiarize yourself with Ellyn Satter’s classic work, stating that parents are responsible for the what, when, and where of feeding, while children are responsible for whether and how much.

9. Relax about individual meals. Your child’s health is not determined by the nutritional value of a single meal. Look at patterns in food intake over a longer period of time than one meal – more like a week’s worth of meals.

10. Have patience. Raising a successful eater takes time. There will be ups and downs along the way, but stick with it, don’t give up, and have faith!

Kathleen Cuneo, Ph.D. is a psychologist and the director of Dinner Together, LLC, (www.dinnertogether.com) which provides consultations to families on how to raise successful eaters and to organize successful family meals. Dr. Cuneo also offers coaching to parents who are seeking help in raising healthy, confident, well-adjusted kids. Sign up for a free newsletter at www.dinnertogether.com and follow www.dinnertogether.blogspot.com for recipes, cooking tips, and ideas for making mealtimes positive.

10 Principles of Good Parenting

Introduction to Healthy Parenting
Raising a happy, healthy child is one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs a parent can have. Yet many of us don't approach parenting with the same focus we would use for a job. We may act on our gut reactions or just use the same parenting techniques our own parents used, whether or not these were effective parenting skills. In his book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg, PhD, a distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia, provides tips and guidelines based on some 75 years of social science research. Follow them and you can avert all sorts of child behavior problems, he says.

What You Do Matters
Whether it's your own health behaviors or the way you treat other people, your children are learning from what you do. "This is one of the most important principles," Steinberg explains. "What you do makes a difference...Don't just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result.

You Cannot Be Too Loving
"It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love," Steinberg writes. "What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love -- things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions."

Be Involved in Your Child's Life
"Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically." Being involved does not mean doing a child's homework -- or correcting it. "Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not," Steinberg says. "If you do the homework, you're not letting the teacher know what the child is learning."

Adapt Your Parenting to Fit Your Child
Keep pace with your child's development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is affecting the child's behavior. "The same drive for independence that is making your 3-year-old say 'no' all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained," writes Steinberg. "The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.

Establish and Set Rules
"If you don't manage your child's behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren't around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself. "But you can't micromanage your child," Steinberg notes. "Once they're in middle school, you need to let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and not intervene."

Foster Your Child's Independence
"Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps your child develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, he's going to need both." It's normal for children to push for autonomy, says Steinberg. "Many parents mistakenly equate their child's independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else."

Be Consistent
"If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child's misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it."

Avoid Harsh Discipline
Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances, Steinberg says. "Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children," he writes. "They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others."
"There are many other ways to discipline a child -- including 'time out' -- which work better and do not involve aggression."

Explain Your Rules and Decisions
"Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to," he writes. "Generally, parents over-explain to young children and under-explain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn't have the priorities, judgment, or experience that you have."

Treat Your Child With Respect
"The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully," Steinberg writes. "You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. You are modeling behaviors that your child will emulate. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others."

Rewards of Good Parenting
Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness, says Steinberg. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and encourages a desire to achieve. Good parenting also helps protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders, antisocial behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse.