Fighting in Front of Your Child

My husband thinks we should never fight in front of our toddler. I say it's unhealthy for our son to never see us arguing. What should we do if we're fighting?

Expert Answers

Martha and William Pieper, emotional health and well-being experts 

In this case, we must agree with your husband. Your toddler is too young to realize that you and your husband still love each other when you fight. Because he's so young, he can't understand that his parents can be angry with each other and still love him. As a result, if you argue in front of him, he will feel as if he himself is under attack and his sense of security and well-being will be badly shaken.

All parents occasionally become angry with each other in the presence of their young children, but if you manage to maintain a reasonably pleasant atmosphere until you are alone, you will spare your son from dealing with relationship complexities for which he is developmentally unprepared.

However, if, in spite of your best intentions, a quarrel breaks out in front of your son, stop the hostilities as soon as you can and reassure your son by saying, "We're sorry we upset you—we know it's hard for you when we argue. Mommy and Daddy love each other even when we fight, and we both love you all the time!"

There is a popular but mistaken notion that "real life" unpleasantness will strengthen the character of the young. In reality, their developmental immaturity prevents young children from defending themselves against the emotional pain they feel when things go wrong. So parental arguments and other painful events leave young children more—rather than less—vulnerable to stress.

On the other hand, if you shield your son from distressing experiences in general, and especially from the pain of witnessing you and your husband fighting, over time he will develop an abiding optimism about his world and his ability to have the harmony and love that he wants and needs. As he grows older, this positive outlook will give him the strength and resilience to respond effectively to the challenges of everyday life.

You and your husband clearly have your son's best interests at heart. So the next time you feel angry at each other in his presence, try to remember that what feels like an everyday blowup to you feels like a nuclear explosion to him, and do your best to contain your anger until you are alone. Postponing your quarrel will be easier if you realize that in this way you nourish your son's emotional well-being as surely as you care for his physical health by keeping him out of the street and away from the stove.