Tips For Raising Happy & Responsible Children

As a full-fledged "Baby Boomer", I grew up during a time where women were just liberating themselves, bra-less and all, and were overcoming relationship, educational, political and workplace boundaries. I believe my parents expected me to marry in my twenties, work in a low-key job, become a housewife and have children. My own aspirations were non-existent.

My husband would say I was "rudderless", there was no direction in my life. At the encouragement of my ex-husband I obtained a B.S. in computer science. That path lead to a 24-year stint at a high tech company and is where I met the true love of my life (that's another story) and resulted in three beautiful daughters.

With that quick background in mind and the frame of reference that stems from the "Women's Liberation Movement", I knew raising three daughters who would have a strong sense of self would be critical (if not for me, definitely for them).

My daughters are now ages 19, 16, and 13. I am starting to see the fruits of my labor come into focus. I am happy to report that in hindsight my following parenting picks are what helped form my daughters into responsible human beings and were essential in guiding me as their parent. Yet these can be forgotten or trampled over as our children compete on the soccer field as well as in the classroom:

1. Help them discover and grow their natural interests and talents.
My husband and I noticed specific talents in each daughter (which we fortuitously captured in these photos) as early as one and a half years of age. As soon as they came out the chute (aka cervical canal) they had distinct personalities and talents. My eldest, for example, always loved to draw. When she was two we were on a flight from San Francisco to Amsterdam and she drew and colored the entire plane ride (luckily she had diapers on). She is a lefty, by the way. Today she is pursing a degree in illustration. It was a natural progression and one she has chosen and is truly passionate about.

2. Encourage independent thinking:
At the dinner table my husband and I have always enjoyed discussing all sorts of things with the girls and hearing their opinions. We discuss the pros and cons on a topic so they can see two sides of the coin. We want them to choose their political and religious beliefs by giving them a strong foundation from which to make the best choices. We often have them read a few articles from the newspaper and have a long discussion about it and each shares their viewpoint.

3. Provide strong fiscal fundamentals:

Ever since my two youngest could talk they kept bugging me about wanting a dog. I gave them an option. Either earn the money for one or we would never own one. They thought about chores that could help raise the money, but the decisive moment was when my girls created a pet sitting business for our neighborhood which they have now managed for six years (established when then were 10 and 6 years of age). That may seem young but we always had adult (me) supervision until they were in their teens. It has resulted in a consistent source of income for them which has taught them money, time and business management, plus a ton of responsibility. It also resulted in not one but TWO dogs.

They paid for their pets, the medical bills and food. I stopped giving them allowance after the first year in business. They each have their own bank account and regularly watch it grow. They have goals for items they want to purchase and since it is truly their money they research the heck out of things before purchasing.

1. Establish good study habits: Ever since they were in public school, I established regular study and homework habits for them. They were allowed to play and relax for 30 minutes before doing their homework. No television or video games until all of their homework was complete. I used to help and check it when they were little, but in time they stopped asking me for help and would ask each other instead. They still help each other study for tests and rehearse oral presentations.
2. Create a love for traveling: Having young children did not stop us from getting on an airplane or car and traveling. My husband and I love to travel and we have instilled that love in our children. It creates incredible memories which we often recall during family reunions and holidays. We look at photos and videos of these memories and laugh until our bellies ache.
3. Create a sense of charity: We always want our children to have gratitude. That is perhaps one of our most important fundamentals we have for them. At the dinner table we would ask each child to describe three things they were grateful for that day. Oftentimes we heard the same thing over and over - "I'm thankful for a roof over my head, the food on my plate and my dogs", but in time their thinking became deeper and they realize how fortunate they are and understand the need to give to others who are less fortunate. We regularly donate to various causes we believe in. And it does not always have to be monetary in form. Each of them has given a couple of times to Locks of Love which is a truly personal charitable donation.
4. Let them make mistakes: As a parent you never want to see your child get hurt, whether it be a scraped knee or an embarrassing moment. But failure and mistakes are human and often teach more valuable lessons that result in making them more compassionate and worldly people.
5. Show by example: I have gone through many changes over the years. Most recently my children saw me make a huge decision to quit my long-time, high tech job and choose to discover what I was passionate about - photography and writing. They have seen me build a photography business and pursue writing my own blog and now I am branching out and writing for other publications like Yahoo Shine! When my children see this, they see they can be whatever they dream. They know they are to follow their passion in life and that their parents are here to help them find that passion and path. At least up to a certain point before they can fly and pursue it on their own.

I see the journey of my parenting reaching a juncture in the road. My girls are so self-sufficient that my parenting has lessened and our relationship is becoming something akin to peers. Not peers in age but in capability. Soon they will be teaching me more than vice-versa. If you're a parent, what are your best tips? If you're not yet a parent, what was the best thing your parent taught you?

Fighting in Front of Your Child

My husband thinks we should never fight in front of our toddler. I say it's unhealthy for our son to never see us arguing. What should we do if we're fighting?

Expert Answers

Martha and William Pieper, emotional health and well-being experts 

In this case, we must agree with your husband. Your toddler is too young to realize that you and your husband still love each other when you fight. Because he's so young, he can't understand that his parents can be angry with each other and still love him. As a result, if you argue in front of him, he will feel as if he himself is under attack and his sense of security and well-being will be badly shaken.

All parents occasionally become angry with each other in the presence of their young children, but if you manage to maintain a reasonably pleasant atmosphere until you are alone, you will spare your son from dealing with relationship complexities for which he is developmentally unprepared.

However, if, in spite of your best intentions, a quarrel breaks out in front of your son, stop the hostilities as soon as you can and reassure your son by saying, "We're sorry we upset you—we know it's hard for you when we argue. Mommy and Daddy love each other even when we fight, and we both love you all the time!"

There is a popular but mistaken notion that "real life" unpleasantness will strengthen the character of the young. In reality, their developmental immaturity prevents young children from defending themselves against the emotional pain they feel when things go wrong. So parental arguments and other painful events leave young children more—rather than less—vulnerable to stress.

On the other hand, if you shield your son from distressing experiences in general, and especially from the pain of witnessing you and your husband fighting, over time he will develop an abiding optimism about his world and his ability to have the harmony and love that he wants and needs. As he grows older, this positive outlook will give him the strength and resilience to respond effectively to the challenges of everyday life.

You and your husband clearly have your son's best interests at heart. So the next time you feel angry at each other in his presence, try to remember that what feels like an everyday blowup to you feels like a nuclear explosion to him, and do your best to contain your anger until you are alone. Postponing your quarrel will be easier if you realize that in this way you nourish your son's emotional well-being as surely as you care for his physical health by keeping him out of the street and away from the stove.

Effects of Mom's Favoritism May Last Into Adulthood

Fri, Jul 2, 2010 (HealthDay News) -- Children of mothers who favor or reject one child are more likely to suffer depressive symptoms as middle-age adults, new research suggests.

Researchers interviewed 275 Boston-area mothers in their 60s and 70s who had at least two living adult children, and 671 of the women's children. The study authors say they are the first to show that harmful effects of a mother's favoritism or rejection persist well into adulthood.

The findings, published recently in the Journal of Marriage and Family, could lead to new therapies.

"We have a powerful norm in our society that parents should treat kids equally, so favoritism can be something of a taboo topic," study author Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University gerontologist, said in a university news release. "If counselors can help older parents and adult children bring some of these issues into the open, it may help prevent family conflict from arising."

"Perceived favoritism from one's mother still matters to a child's psychological well-being, even if they have been living for years outside the parental home and have started families of their own," study co-director Jill Suitor, a Purdue University sociologist, said in the news release. "It doesn't matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings."